A History of My Jobs

I just spoke with a co-worker who said she's only worked 3 jobs. She's 26, and this just seems absurd to me. I don't have anything to do today, so I thought I'd list my jobs. Turns out I had a lot.

This is also in honor of the fact that today was supposed to be my "I'm quitting" day, but as I was writing this, I got an email from the boss-man who said he wasn't coming in. So, dammit.
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First Job: Checker at NASA. (or Kroger, whichever name you prefer to call your grocery store) This was my first real job, the first time FICA stole my money, and I had to wear a uniform. I enjoyed this job a lot, actually. I hated the idea that I worked at a grocery store, but most of the people I worked with were very funny. Or they at least thought I was funny, which automatically meant I liked their company.

Favorite Moment: My new boss had a terrible case of lazy eyes. I didn’t know this, and the first time I talked to him, he kept staring off to the side. I nearly said, “Would you please look me in the eyes?” but thank goodness I didn’t. His response would have been, “No, I can’t look you in the eyes.” And that would have been awkward.

Quitting Time: I was looking to get promoted into Customer Service but instead was moved to Video. And OhMyGod, video is, like, where the losers work. So I decided it was time to end the relationship.

Lasted: 8 months
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Second Job: Babysitter for two children that my friend Nikki used to baby-sit. What Nikki didn’t tell me was that the younger boy was a direct spawn from Satan.

Favorite Moment: One time I locked my keys in the car and we had to sit outside in the heat waiting for my dad to save the day. It was fun watching the evil child melt. And I scored my highest bowling score that summer – 180. And that made the evil child cry.

Quitting Time: “I’m going to camp, so I think it’s best we end this now.”

Lasted: 6 weeks
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Third Job: Hostess at Taste of Texas. This was a very established, very organized nice restaurant, and I worked with several friends every Saturday and Tuesday night. Unfortunately, we had to wear a cumber bum, bow tie, and hose. This definitely was the worst uniform I ever had to wear.

Favorite Moment: It’s a tie. At the end of each night, I’d grab a cheese roll, a regular roll, and a cup of Coke to go. Coke never tasted so good. I still quiver when I think about it. My other favorite part of the job was being Caller 1 or Caller 2. Those were the hostesses who were stationed out in the restaurant, and when a table got up to leave, she would call in on her ear piece to the front that a 6 top would be available in 2 minutes. God, I loved that ear piece. It was all very James Bond, with the cumber bum and tiny microphone.

Quitting Time: Left for college. It was actually quite sad.

Lasted: 15 months
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Fourth Job: Secretary for Faith Community. I got to work with awesome people and do awesome things. This might be my favorite job ever.

Favorite Moment: Entertain Nicole days. On Thursdays, the pastor, youth pastor, and the other secretary had the day off. It was just Scott (who was supposed to be the youth intern) and me, and Scott spent most of the day making me laugh, because he is one of the funniest people to ever exist. Oh! This is also the summer Harry Potter came out in theaters. Scott looks JUST LIKE Harry, and I still remember the day Daniel Radcliffe appeared on Yahoo and the other secretary and I yelped because Scott! Was on the internet! As Harry Potter!

Quitting Time: Back to college. BOOO.

Lasted: 3 months
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Fifth Job: Youth Intern at Faith Community. I played around all day with kids. I got to expense taking people to Chick-fil-a and Baskin Robbins. It rocked.

Favorite Moment: Having my brother and sister around in the youth group. They’re awesome. I also backed into the youth pastor’s truck and made a tiny dent. There was a kid in the car, and I think I said shit. She probably thought I was evil. Come to think of it, she didn’t really come back much.

Quitting Time: Again, back to school.

Lasted: 3 months
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Sixth and Seventh and Ninth Jobs: Admin crap for my mom at her jobs, and admin crap for my in-laws.

Favorite Moment: getting my mom to buy me lunch.

Quitting Time: For school, duh.

Lasted: two summers
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Eighth Job: Order puller at Dayspring. I showed up, was given a list of orders, and had to walk around the warehouse packing up boxes. It was awful, but I got to make my own hours, and I made pretty good money for a college kid.

Favorite Moment: I cannot think of a single good moment.

Quitting Time: I called and said, “I’m not coming in today.” The next day, “I’m not going to make it in.” And the next, “I think I’m done.”

Lasted: 4 months
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Tenth (and final) Job: Administrative Assistant/ Marketing Assistant/ Sustainability Assistant/ Receptionist. I work for a bunch of architects and engineers, who are surprisingly helpless considering they’re able to build buildings and all.

Favorite Moment: I have a document on my computer that is a script I’ve been writing using real life office moments. I intend to submit this script to The Office, and I hope to catch some of my situations on TV one day. The script is filled with favorite moments. Here’s an excerpt:
Michael: (leaning on Pam’s desk, sighing) Hi, Pam.
Pam: (not looking up from her screen) Hi, Michael.
Michael: Listen, are you going to videotape the all staff meeting today?
Pam: No, we don’t have a recorder.
Michael: Oh, man. Because I won’t be able to hit that.
Pam: (stunned, shocked look) Oh. You know, you really shouldn’t say that.

Quitting Time: Well, I was supposed to turn in my notice today, but my boss is “working from home.” Looks like it will have to wait until Monday.

Lasted: 18 months
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Eleventh Job: who the hell knows anymore?