What I Would've Said

Four Weeks Ago: We're moving to Austin, Texas as soon as we sell our home.

Three Weeks Ago: We're moving to Fort Worth, Texas as soon as we sell our home.

Two Weeks Ago: We're moving to Fort Worth, Texas Thanksgiving weekend, as soon as we close on our home.

One Week Ago: I have no idea what the hell is happening anymore.

Today: Lord, give us today our daily bread.

I've been thinking a lot about that prayer the past few weeks. I've said it angrily, helplessly, and hopefully.

Today, I feel peace, and I honestly haven't been able to claim peace in a good while. I've hit my point of weariness. I'm worn out from trying to control what I can't, so today, I sincerely mean Lord, give me TODAY what I need for TODAY. Tomorrow, I'll pray it again.

And all the while I'll enjoy a little bit of peace that comes when you trust, obey, and believe.

I Guess I'm Also Wearing Heavy Boots

This morning it was rainy and gray. Yesterday our grass was green. Today, it is dotted with yellow leaves dropped by the wind. Portland has put on its rain boots, and I imagine they'll stay put for a long while.

This morning before I left my house, I put on my rain boots. I grabbed my rain coat. I stood at the back door as I let the dog run out and run back in. I followed behind her in the kitchen, wiping up her paw tracks with a kitchen towel. The rain doesn't bother me today. Today, it reminds me I know what to do. These fall days are so familiar to me. With so many things changing, familiarity can be so comforting.

After four years, I'm getting ready to take off my polka-dot rain boots and hang up my simple rain coat, the one I also wore in Northern Ireland. I'm about to say good-bye to dear friends, pass on the keys to our first home, and leave a church I love. I'm scared, excited, heartbroken, and hopeful.

So in all the chaos and change right now, it's good to know I can at least count on the rain.

Trying to Find the Humor

Friday was supposed to be a good day.

I woke up and got ready, took Matt to the train, went to my yoga class, and planned on starting my errands.

I went to Target first. I only had to get two things for Sunday school: flashlights and marbles. As I walked in, I of course started browsing the clothes. I found a really cute summer dress on clearance and, as I stood there debating its relevance to my closet, my phone rang. I threw the dress in my cart and answered the phone while moving on to get the two things on my list.

The phone call gave me bad news. Shocking, unexpected news. News that I might just look back on in a few years and laugh at how I handled it, but for that moment? It was BAD. It still feels bad.

I LOST IT. I found a corner near the maternity clothes (no connection to this story, by the way) and cried over the phone. I hung up, stood there for a moment, and thought ok, you can do this. Just two items to get. I made it to the toys department and started looking for marbles, all the while crying. I thought I’d gained control of my emotions, but then I started doing that hiccup thing, and snot was running, and I’m sure mascara was around the perimeter of my face. I know I should have immediately left the store, but I kept telling myself two items! You can do it! Buck up, bitch!

Only I couldn’t find the marbles. I started to look for someone to ask for help but stopped about half-way down the aisle. I was in no condition to talk to anyone, let alone ask someone for MARBLES.

“Excuse me, I’m looking for marbles.”

“Why, yes. You clearly look like you have LOST THEM.”

At that realization, I did what was best for everyone and left the store, marble-less. Seriously, could I have been looking for anything more appropriate??

(And if you’re concerned about the bad news, thanks. Pray for peace. Lots and lots of it. We’re okay with some Jesus and some peace.)

(Also, on Saturday I found some marbles at the dollar store.)