If you really want to hear about it...

Back in high school (junior year, to be exact), I struggled with HCD. So did my dear friend Scott. There could have been others, but Scott and I were each other’s support through such misery. HCD is when you so desperately want to scream into a pillow and simultaneously rid your life of all the phonies, assholes, and tools of the world, and in our case, Mayde Creek. In other words, we were overcome with the Holden Caulfield Disorder (or was it disease?).

We supported each other mainly by listening to the other person bitch about the day, the week, the month. Eventually, we realized our support was pretty unhealthy and at times hypocritical and almost always unloving. So we cured ourselves of HCD, which I think really just meant we quit whining about the people of this world to each other. That’s not to say the thoughts weren’t still there, though. It’s a tough disorder.

Nine years later, and I’m once again reading Catcher in the Rye, only this time I’m teaching it to juniors. (I’ve said this before, but my curriculum this year = awesome.) I love watching my students read. I love to see their eyes change and move and feel as they scan the pages and their minds digest what the words are saying. Frankly, I can’t imagine a better job. Anyway, our discussions have been great, and part of me wants to tell them about HCD and see if anyone feels afflicted, but the other part of me knows how rancid a disorder it can be and I certainly don’t want to pass it on. Because for me – it’s back.

Maybe it’s bad timing. I mean, my job did get cut, and I am once again looking for employment, which is never fun. So it’s probably not the best time to be reading Catcher, if my job didn’t require it. But I have to admit something: I actually left a get-together the other night partly because I was so overcome with HCD, and I think I would have combusted otherwise. I thought I had come so far, and yet reading Catcher has done something to me, despite the fact that I know Holden is quite hypocritical, terribly depressed and in an institution. I know that Holden is not healthy, and I shouldn’t let him influence me. And as I told Matt about this, he laughed and asked how much longer until the book is back on the shelf.

Soon. I love that damn book, but my time with it is about up. I’ve had about all I can take.

The Weather May Be Crappy, But We're Still Having Fun

Matt and I went on some vacations and here are our pics to prove it.


Mexico!! I wish we could go down every weekend. I really don't think I'd get tired of the warm weather. Or the margaritas. And doesn't Matt look so handsome?

There's a billion reasons why I love Matt, but in the top 5 would be how darn goofy he gets around me. In fact, last time we were around my sister she asked me if Matt had gotten weirder. (YES.) We took this picture while drinking martinis because we're just all sorts of classy. And no, we were not drunk - THIS IS JUST WHO WE ARE.

So, Mexico + having a spring break = totally awesome.

Oh, but the barrel of fun didn't stop there. Last weekend, we went with some of our favorite friends to Washington wine country. 12 wineries in two days with delightful company is a perfect kind of weekend.


There were 6 of us, so we rented a van. Allison is about to beat me for singing and Matt for his erratic driving. She can be aggressive.

Here's the gang: Allison, me, Matty, Giant, Laura, and Gurley. Such a fun time, such delicious wines!

And even more fun: my parents will be here this weekend to celebrate my 25th birthday. I've asked for eye cream.

Young at Heart

I've been waiting for this documentary to come out for some time now. As Matt and I were watching this video he said, "Wow, it looks like everyone's crying," completely unaware that I was sitting right next to him bawling.

At Least I'm Tan

A year ago, Matt and I went on vacation. I was working at that terrible terrible job, and I desperately needed to step away for a few days and get re-energized. I was miserably unhappy, so I thought some time off would help out. The day I returned to work was one of the worst days for me, though. After I got off, I walked around downtown to Matt's office crying. And not a hide-behind-my-glasses, cover-my-face-with-my-hair kinda crying; no, the mascara was streaky, my face was splotchy, and I was sobbing. And I didn't care. (I have to admit, it helped that there were plenty of crazy folks out that day also wandering about.) I knew at that moment I had had enough. That weekend Matt and I talked it through and I had a plan to quit and find my way into teaching.

We just got back from our Spring Break vacation a week ago and get this -- I was actually really excited to get back to work. Our last night of vacation I talked about how great it felt to love my job and that I felt so thankful. And my first day back was great. I caught up with my students, we started some great books, and I wore an awesome necklace. It was a very good day.

But now that I love my job, and my career is on the right path, I should be set, right? Well, because I was hired in November, my contract is temporary. This means, unlike most other teachers, my job is over at the end of the year unless I get rehired. I'm confident my principal likes me, and I know I've done a pretty good job, so I shouldn't be worried. Yesterday, though, my principal announced that enrollment is down by 130 kids and 8 positions will need to be cut. And since I'm a temporary teacher, my job is essentially the "cleanest" to cut. Which is really an awesome feeling.

I've been reading my prayers from the summer to remind myself of God's faithfulness. I'm trying to relax, but it's much easier to panic. I should be a pro at this whole trusting God thing at this point, but right now I'm just a pain in my own ass.

Afternoon Thoughts (To Put off Grading)

Lately, I've been in the mood to curl up in a corner and pray pray pray. The lazy girl in me hasn't found that corner, though, which is probably for the best since I don't clean the corners of our house very well. One of the best parts of my job is getting to know so many different types of people. I hear stories all day long that surprise me, make me laugh, make me sad, and make me want to find that corner and get to praying. Perhaps it's the fact that I chose to teach Candide, a book that satirizes optimism, but I have had my fill of brokenness over the past few weeks. The stories I have heard remind me of just how terribly broken we are and how much we hurt. Stories of dying parents, rejected gay siblings, cancer, abuse, depression, racism, poverty, suicide... I need that praying corner just to get me to the next day.

And yet, I feel grateful. I'm grateful that when someone tells me she's lost her faith, I can say then let me pray for you. I'm grateful for the reminder that we are broken. It's no coincidence that I'm reminded of our brokenness as we journey to the cross, to Easter.

The sun is out and our flowers are blooming, and I feel hope. And I know Easter is coming.

I Forgot This Thing Was For Writing

Seriously. I'm on here often enough to read other blogs, but rarely does it dawn on me to actually write. And of course since I have, oh, 800 billion papers sitting next time me waiting to be graded, I suddenly found something to blog.

Actually, I've got nothing.

But, hi. 29 more days until Spring Break!! We're going down to Cabo, (how very cliche, I know) and I can't wait. Actually, I wouldn't mind first going back in time, grabbing my body from our honeymoon, and holding on to it for dear life because that body? IS GONE. Do you know how long I stared at a picture of fried chicken and gravy today? Too long to admit. Deprivation is a bitch.

Other than that, school's going well. We barely made it through Hamlet, but we're now soaring through Candide. How lucky am I to teach Candide?! I want to hug my curriculum.

So that's all. Told you, I've got nothing -- except a huge stack of mediocre papers to read.

Christmas is Coming, The Goose Is Getting Fat

It's been a peaceful Advent season for Matt and me. Our church has led us to rethink Christmas, which has made this December somber, meaningful, and beautiful. We are so thankful for this. So thankful.

And on that note, a survey.

1. What kind of tree do you have?
We have a noble fir that we chopped down ourselves. (Actually, I stood there taking pictures while Matt worked. I did make sure to move the saw myself a few times just so I could say I helped. Which was hardly helpful of me.) In the past, we've always had a doug fir, which is lovely and all, but once we got out to the tree farm and compared the two... well, there's just no comparison. I'm in love with our tree right now, and I'm so sad it's almost time to recycle it.

2. What is your favorite Christmas movie?
Top 3: Home Alone 1, Elf, and Love Actually.

3. What is your favorite Christmas holiday food?
I hate how my family serves ham and only occasionally turkey. I HATE HAM. We usually have a delicious Christmas eve meal, though, like roast or soup. My mom also makes french toast Christmas morning, and my dad makes super crispy bacon, so it makes up for the ham fiasco. And as far as the sweets go, I love Snickers nutcrackers. Seriously, Snickers are infinitely better when in the shape of something. The lady at Target agrees with me.

4. Do you use wrapping paper or gift bags?
Here's where I'm torn. I love love love wrapping gifts and making them all pretty, and I also love ripping the paper off, but OH MY GOD. It creates an alarming amount of trash, and most wrapping paper cannot be recycled. I feel a little bit sick on Christmas morning picking up all the paper and filling two garbage bags. So it is better to use gift bags, but gift bags are way lame.

5. Do you have a nativity scene in your house?
Yes! And I love it! My parents got it for me last Christmas, and I was so excited to use it that I put it out on Thanksgiving. I stare at it a lot. Baby Jesus makes me happy.

6. What is your favorite Christmas song?
I feel silly that I don't have one favorite Christmas song. I love the ones that make me reflect. I have a chill Christmas mix that I have to listen to every day. Matt and I also do a fantastic duet to Baby, It's Cold Outside. And I can't hear Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas without laughing and dancing and thinking of Natalie, Katy, Amy, Mel, Mandy, and Brad.

7. What was the most memorable gift you received as a child?
One year in high school, my parents gave each of us kids something that once belonged to them. I got my mom's cross she had since high school, my sister got her ruby ring, and my brother got a baseball signed by someone cool from my dad. They each wrote us a letter explaining the significance. By far the most meaningful Christmas morning I remember.

8. What was the worst gift you ever received?
I don't remember. I usually like the gifts people buy me. I'm not picky, I suppose.

9. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
How unspiritual Christmas can feel. I read an article the other day in which an atheist said he feels completely comfortable celebrating Christmas because it has nothing to do with Jesus anymore. That bums me out.

10. Favorite thing about this time of year?
Family. My church. Jesus. You know, the good stuff.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope you feel peace and God.