Back in high school (junior year, to be exact), I struggled with HCD. So did my dear friend Scott. There could have been others, but Scott and I were each other’s support through such misery. HCD is when you so desperately want to scream into a pillow and simultaneously rid your life of all the phonies, assholes, and tools of the world, and in our case, Mayde Creek. In other words, we were overcome with the Holden Caulfield Disorder (or was it disease?).
We supported each other mainly by listening to the other person bitch about the day, the week, the month. Eventually, we realized our support was pretty unhealthy and at times hypocritical and almost always unloving. So we cured ourselves of HCD, which I think really just meant we quit whining about the people of this world to each other. That’s not to say the thoughts weren’t still there, though. It’s a tough disorder.
Nine years later, and I’m once again reading Catcher in the Rye, only this time I’m teaching it to juniors. (I’ve said this before, but my curriculum this year = awesome.) I love watching my students read. I love to see their eyes change and move and feel as they scan the pages and their minds digest what the words are saying. Frankly, I can’t imagine a better job. Anyway, our discussions have been great, and part of me wants to tell them about HCD and see if anyone feels afflicted, but the other part of me knows how rancid a disorder it can be and I certainly don’t want to pass it on. Because for me – it’s back.
Maybe it’s bad timing. I mean, my job did get cut, and I am once again looking for employment, which is never fun. So it’s probably not the best time to be reading Catcher, if my job didn’t require it. But I have to admit something: I actually left a get-together the other night partly because I was so overcome with HCD, and I think I would have combusted otherwise. I thought I had come so far, and yet reading Catcher has done something to me, despite the fact that I know Holden is quite hypocritical, terribly depressed and in an institution. I know that Holden is not healthy, and I shouldn’t let him influence me. And as I told Matt about this, he laughed and asked how much longer until the book is back on the shelf.
Soon. I love that damn book, but my time with it is about up. I’ve had about all I can take.
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6 comments:
I'm sorry to hear you are forced to go through another bout of HCD (and yes, Disorder is correct). It's hit me twice since high school - first was my freshman year of college. The second was after I finished the 7th Harry Potter (and yes, I realize how massive of a nerd I must be to get HCD because I was sad about finishing Harry Potter.)
So, as always, there's no advice or wisdom I can pass along to help you through it any faster, but at least you can know that you've got company.
I'm glad you're back to blogging!
How many of your students do you think are trying to read, but really aren't digesting anything? Scanning words but thinking other things?
I don't think I ever had full-fledged HCD, although I'm sure I experienced tendencies. But it doesn't seem like the sort of thing you can "pass on" just by talking about. Like we've been taught in nursing school, you're not going to "give someone the idea" of committing suicide by asking them if they've thought about it. And those who are experiencing it already would probably benefit from knowing they're not the only ones. I'm not saying that HCD is the same thing as suicidal ideation...but you get the idea!
You don't blog enough. So, thanks for the update!
I'm glad you didn't rid yourself of me (or at least not permanently?). I can't say I ever had that feeling against the whole of MCHS, mostly just one person at a time ha. I'm sorry you're experiencing it again. If I was near you, we could go to the local walmart and dress up in the ugliest outfits we could find and take pictures of our glamorous selves in the dressing room. Maybe that would restore part of your love for humanity. Or just me.
Thanks for blogging again, it was a nice surprise for today.
OK, so I was Googling "big whoop" to find something I could use in my latest post, and taadaa! There you were. A blog with that title? How could I not read further? Ya know what? I love it!
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