Four Weeks Ago: We're moving to Austin, Texas as soon as we sell our home.
Three Weeks Ago: We're moving to Fort Worth, Texas as soon as we sell our home.
Two Weeks Ago: We're moving to Fort Worth, Texas Thanksgiving weekend, as soon as we close on our home.
One Week Ago: I have no idea what the hell is happening anymore.
Today: Lord, give us today our daily bread.
I've been thinking a lot about that prayer the past few weeks. I've said it angrily, helplessly, and hopefully.
Today, I feel peace, and I honestly haven't been able to claim peace in a good while. I've hit my point of weariness. I'm worn out from trying to control what I can't, so today, I sincerely mean Lord, give me TODAY what I need for TODAY. Tomorrow, I'll pray it again.
And all the while I'll enjoy a little bit of peace that comes when you trust, obey, and believe.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I Guess I'm Also Wearing Heavy Boots
This morning it was rainy and gray. Yesterday our grass was green. Today, it is dotted with yellow leaves dropped by the wind. Portland has put on its rain boots, and I imagine they'll stay put for a long while.
This morning before I left my house, I put on my rain boots. I grabbed my rain coat. I stood at the back door as I let the dog run out and run back in. I followed behind her in the kitchen, wiping up her paw tracks with a kitchen towel. The rain doesn't bother me today. Today, it reminds me I know what to do. These fall days are so familiar to me. With so many things changing, familiarity can be so comforting.
After four years, I'm getting ready to take off my polka-dot rain boots and hang up my simple rain coat, the one I also wore in Northern Ireland. I'm about to say good-bye to dear friends, pass on the keys to our first home, and leave a church I love. I'm scared, excited, heartbroken, and hopeful.
So in all the chaos and change right now, it's good to know I can at least count on the rain.
This morning before I left my house, I put on my rain boots. I grabbed my rain coat. I stood at the back door as I let the dog run out and run back in. I followed behind her in the kitchen, wiping up her paw tracks with a kitchen towel. The rain doesn't bother me today. Today, it reminds me I know what to do. These fall days are so familiar to me. With so many things changing, familiarity can be so comforting.
After four years, I'm getting ready to take off my polka-dot rain boots and hang up my simple rain coat, the one I also wore in Northern Ireland. I'm about to say good-bye to dear friends, pass on the keys to our first home, and leave a church I love. I'm scared, excited, heartbroken, and hopeful.
So in all the chaos and change right now, it's good to know I can at least count on the rain.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Trying to Find the Humor
Friday was supposed to be a good day.
I woke up and got ready, took Matt to the train, went to my yoga class, and planned on starting my errands.
I went to Target first. I only had to get two things for Sunday school: flashlights and marbles. As I walked in, I of course started browsing the clothes. I found a really cute summer dress on clearance and, as I stood there debating its relevance to my closet, my phone rang. I threw the dress in my cart and answered the phone while moving on to get the two things on my list.
The phone call gave me bad news. Shocking, unexpected news. News that I might just look back on in a few years and laugh at how I handled it, but for that moment? It was BAD. It still feels bad.
I LOST IT. I found a corner near the maternity clothes (no connection to this story, by the way) and cried over the phone. I hung up, stood there for a moment, and thought ok, you can do this. Just two items to get. I made it to the toys department and started looking for marbles, all the while crying. I thought I’d gained control of my emotions, but then I started doing that hiccup thing, and snot was running, and I’m sure mascara was around the perimeter of my face. I know I should have immediately left the store, but I kept telling myself two items! You can do it! Buck up, bitch!
Only I couldn’t find the marbles. I started to look for someone to ask for help but stopped about half-way down the aisle. I was in no condition to talk to anyone, let alone ask someone for MARBLES.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for marbles.”
“Why, yes. You clearly look like you have LOST THEM.”
At that realization, I did what was best for everyone and left the store, marble-less. Seriously, could I have been looking for anything more appropriate??
(And if you’re concerned about the bad news, thanks. Pray for peace. Lots and lots of it. We’re okay with some Jesus and some peace.)
(Also, on Saturday I found some marbles at the dollar store.)
I woke up and got ready, took Matt to the train, went to my yoga class, and planned on starting my errands.
I went to Target first. I only had to get two things for Sunday school: flashlights and marbles. As I walked in, I of course started browsing the clothes. I found a really cute summer dress on clearance and, as I stood there debating its relevance to my closet, my phone rang. I threw the dress in my cart and answered the phone while moving on to get the two things on my list.
The phone call gave me bad news. Shocking, unexpected news. News that I might just look back on in a few years and laugh at how I handled it, but for that moment? It was BAD. It still feels bad.
I LOST IT. I found a corner near the maternity clothes (no connection to this story, by the way) and cried over the phone. I hung up, stood there for a moment, and thought ok, you can do this. Just two items to get. I made it to the toys department and started looking for marbles, all the while crying. I thought I’d gained control of my emotions, but then I started doing that hiccup thing, and snot was running, and I’m sure mascara was around the perimeter of my face. I know I should have immediately left the store, but I kept telling myself two items! You can do it! Buck up, bitch!
Only I couldn’t find the marbles. I started to look for someone to ask for help but stopped about half-way down the aisle. I was in no condition to talk to anyone, let alone ask someone for MARBLES.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for marbles.”
“Why, yes. You clearly look like you have LOST THEM.”
At that realization, I did what was best for everyone and left the store, marble-less. Seriously, could I have been looking for anything more appropriate??
(And if you’re concerned about the bad news, thanks. Pray for peace. Lots and lots of it. We’re okay with some Jesus and some peace.)
(Also, on Saturday I found some marbles at the dollar store.)
Monday, September 14, 2009
Lessons in Prayer
The beautiful thing that happens when I teach preschoolers is that they end up teaching me. A few months back, I was in the preschool room, which is really a section of a basketball gym, making my teacher rounds by playing trains, drawing flowers, putting a baby doll to sleep. I walked over to the reading corner where two of my favorite girls were sitting. The first girl, Pam, said she didn’t feel well. I thought to myself she probably just wanted her mom, but before I could say anything Bellie jumped in first.
“Pammy, can I pray for you?” And after Pam said yes, Bellie scrunched her eyes shut, rested her hands palms up on her knees, and asked Jesus to help Pam feel better.
And of course, I started crying. I don’t remember the last time I was humbled so fast.
When was the last time my first response to an ache, a problem, a need was to pray? Has it ever been?
So in the midst of all my unknowns right now, I think of gorgeous Bellie. Her reaction to a friend wasn’t to worry or to feel apathetic or to even be afraid. It was to pray. I want to pray. Just like a little girl with big faith.
“Pammy, can I pray for you?” And after Pam said yes, Bellie scrunched her eyes shut, rested her hands palms up on her knees, and asked Jesus to help Pam feel better.
And of course, I started crying. I don’t remember the last time I was humbled so fast.
When was the last time my first response to an ache, a problem, a need was to pray? Has it ever been?
So in the midst of all my unknowns right now, I think of gorgeous Bellie. Her reaction to a friend wasn’t to worry or to feel apathetic or to even be afraid. It was to pray. I want to pray. Just like a little girl with big faith.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
What Do You Mean It's Just Fiction? or On Losing a Mentor
(Talking about Harry Potter. Yes, there's a spoiler, but it's been four years, read the book already!)
During my internship four years ago, one of the classes I taught was a senior AP Lit class that only had fifteen students. It was the kind of class I always dreamed about teaching one day, and I secretly felt sad whenever the bell rang. That spring I had just finished reading the Harry Potter series for the first time, and the sixth book was about to come out that summer. My AP Lit class, made up of supremely awesome, nerdy book-lovers, would discuss all things Harry Potter during the last five minutes of class each day. We shared theories, favorite moments, and predictions. At some point that semester, I commented that I wanted to one day be a teacher just like Dumbledore: wise, compassionate, and loved.
The last day of my internship also happened to be my 22nd birthday. The students came in with goofy grins and whispers. I walked over to the desks to see what was going on, and they all shouted out, “Happy birthday!” I looked down to see a big cookie cake with the words Happy Birthday Professor Dumbledore! written in thick, gooey icing. Truly, my fellow Harry Potter fans, my bright and kind students, had given me one of the best compliments of my lifetime. I only wish I would have had a camera to capture it.
When the sixth book came out, I was a newly-wed and we were about to move across the country. I finished the book one afternoon while Matt was at work. When he came home, he found me curled up in our bed sobbing. We should all know the horrific event that led me to totally lose my shit and go into mourning. (Okay fine, for those of you that didn’t read the series, sigh: Dumbledore dies.) Matt reacted as any new husband might: utterly and totally freaked out. I don’t quite remember how he handled the situation, but my guess is that it probably involved Chili’s.
So the reason why it took us two weeks to see the sixth Harry Potter should not be surprising. While everyone else seemed excited, I felt nervous and apprehensive. We finally went and saw it this weekend. And once again, HOLY HELL, LOST MY SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE, BIG TIME, CRAZY GIRL COMING THROUGH. It was bad enough to read it, but to see it on screen? Unbearable heartache. And unfortunately for me, the movie theater was on the fourth floor of the mall, which made it especially awkward to walk through with my mascara-streaked face and swollen eyes.
So here’s my review for the movie: yes, it was good, but don’t ever make me watch it again.
During my internship four years ago, one of the classes I taught was a senior AP Lit class that only had fifteen students. It was the kind of class I always dreamed about teaching one day, and I secretly felt sad whenever the bell rang. That spring I had just finished reading the Harry Potter series for the first time, and the sixth book was about to come out that summer. My AP Lit class, made up of supremely awesome, nerdy book-lovers, would discuss all things Harry Potter during the last five minutes of class each day. We shared theories, favorite moments, and predictions. At some point that semester, I commented that I wanted to one day be a teacher just like Dumbledore: wise, compassionate, and loved.
The last day of my internship also happened to be my 22nd birthday. The students came in with goofy grins and whispers. I walked over to the desks to see what was going on, and they all shouted out, “Happy birthday!” I looked down to see a big cookie cake with the words Happy Birthday Professor Dumbledore! written in thick, gooey icing. Truly, my fellow Harry Potter fans, my bright and kind students, had given me one of the best compliments of my lifetime. I only wish I would have had a camera to capture it.
When the sixth book came out, I was a newly-wed and we were about to move across the country. I finished the book one afternoon while Matt was at work. When he came home, he found me curled up in our bed sobbing. We should all know the horrific event that led me to totally lose my shit and go into mourning. (Okay fine, for those of you that didn’t read the series, sigh: Dumbledore dies.) Matt reacted as any new husband might: utterly and totally freaked out. I don’t quite remember how he handled the situation, but my guess is that it probably involved Chili’s.
So the reason why it took us two weeks to see the sixth Harry Potter should not be surprising. While everyone else seemed excited, I felt nervous and apprehensive. We finally went and saw it this weekend. And once again, HOLY HELL, LOST MY SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE, BIG TIME, CRAZY GIRL COMING THROUGH. It was bad enough to read it, but to see it on screen? Unbearable heartache. And unfortunately for me, the movie theater was on the fourth floor of the mall, which made it especially awkward to walk through with my mascara-streaked face and swollen eyes.
So here’s my review for the movie: yes, it was good, but don’t ever make me watch it again.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Well, Hm.
There's something very odd about being congratulated for filing unemployment. Here's how I interpret it:
Congratulations! You're only 26 and you've been laid off!!
Congratulations! You've got lots of school debt for a degree that can't get you a job!!
Congratulations! You're back at square one!!
Congratulations! If it wasn't for your husband, you'd either be living with your parents or in a gutter with feces on your face!!
Clearly, this calls for a celebration. I'm going straight to my backyard with a bottle of wine and a good book. Come on over!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
All Because of the Kitchen Blinds
Last week, I was cleaning the kitchen and quite suddenly I became totally disgusted with our blinds. I spent a good portion of my afternoon attempting to clean them, but FAIL.
So of course, OF COURSE, I couldn't stop thinking about them. Seriously, who knew I could become nauseous over blinds? We had a gift card to Ikea, so we went to get some nice, new blinds (Am I really writing about blinds? God help me.) Only, Ikea didn't have what we wanted for the kitchen, but they did have some nice curtains for the dining area! And we should go ahead and replace those blinds, too! I'm sure they're nasty!
We came for blinds, but we left with three different types of curtains to choose from, a salad spinner, and a floor mat (spending only $20 of our own!). Matt put up the new curtains, and while we loved them, it suddenly threw off our decor in the living area. Those curtains were too green now. But how convenient! We had also purchased some light green curtains that we were going to take back, but why not use them!
So Matt then replaced our living room curtains. Only, those blinds started to disgust us, too. An hour later and we had new wood blinds from Home Depot. We had planned on doing this some day; we just didn't realize it would be THAT day.
We had these bright green square tile things from West Elm that hung on the wall connecting the dining area to the living area. The pattern on them, though, looked terrible next to the new dining curtains. We took them down and stared at the huge empty wall space. It needed something. Two days later, and we found three large shutter doors to rest against the wall. Reused from The Rebuilding Center, they were only $25 (compared to $200 at Pottery Barn).
Next home improvement project? I need to paint that armoire. I love the wood shutters, but it's too much next to the wood armoire. It was cheap, and we're not crazy about it, so next week I'm going to paint. What color do you think it should be?
Also, the dark furniture is an espresso color, not black like the picture makes it look.
And one more thing. Those beautiful flowers? Those are from our garden. Matt picked them, which is all sorts of special. My dad does the same thing for my mama.
So of course, OF COURSE, I couldn't stop thinking about them. Seriously, who knew I could become nauseous over blinds? We had a gift card to Ikea, so we went to get some nice, new blinds (Am I really writing about blinds? God help me.) Only, Ikea didn't have what we wanted for the kitchen, but they did have some nice curtains for the dining area! And we should go ahead and replace those blinds, too! I'm sure they're nasty!
We came for blinds, but we left with three different types of curtains to choose from, a salad spinner, and a floor mat (spending only $20 of our own!). Matt put up the new curtains, and while we loved them, it suddenly threw off our decor in the living area. Those curtains were too green now. But how convenient! We had also purchased some light green curtains that we were going to take back, but why not use them!
So Matt then replaced our living room curtains. Only, those blinds started to disgust us, too. An hour later and we had new wood blinds from Home Depot. We had planned on doing this some day; we just didn't realize it would be THAT day.
We had these bright green square tile things from West Elm that hung on the wall connecting the dining area to the living area. The pattern on them, though, looked terrible next to the new dining curtains. We took them down and stared at the huge empty wall space. It needed something. Two days later, and we found three large shutter doors to rest against the wall. Reused from The Rebuilding Center, they were only $25 (compared to $200 at Pottery Barn).
Next home improvement project? I need to paint that armoire. I love the wood shutters, but it's too much next to the wood armoire. It was cheap, and we're not crazy about it, so next week I'm going to paint. What color do you think it should be?
Also, the dark furniture is an espresso color, not black like the picture makes it look.
And one more thing. Those beautiful flowers? Those are from our garden. Matt picked them, which is all sorts of special. My dad does the same thing for my mama.
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